The Illusion of Control

We like to think we have control, but really we have far less than we think. What would it look like to loosen our grip? How can prayer and exhortation give us courage to trust God to make a way?

Jun 07, 2024

opened book — Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash

Hey friends!

Summer is slowly edging its way in and I can feel a buzz in the air. People are getting ready for their holidays in the sunshine, work picnics in the park are making an appearance, and the joy of summer is present and palpable.

Although the weather is cooperating, I am in the throes of apartment hunting which is far less joyful. Between starting a new job and trying to find a new place to live, I’m realizing just how quickly self-sufficiency fails me. The reality? There is so much I don’t have control over and I have to learn to loosen my grip and trust God.

Today, I want to talk with you about the illusion of control and the work of prayer and exhortation. It can be really easy to rely on our own self-sufficiency and forget that it’s actually God who does the heavy lifting. We’re called to co-labor with him, not to do it all on our own.

So, let’s dig in together…

Somehow the world has taught us that with enough vigilance and a tight enough grip, we can have control over our circumstances.

I’m sure this isn’t breaking news to any of you, but we have far less control over our lives than we think. Not a great way to start, I know, but stay with me. There is this illusion that if we hold onto things tightly enough, if we are watchful and vigilant, or if we do everything just right, we can control the narrative and get a desired outcome.

And, maybe this seems to work for a while. Maybe at times we have just enough moving in our direction that we convince ourselves when things are going well, it’s because of our brilliant self-sufficiency, or our excellent time management, or our ability to plan ahead and prioritize.

Although all of these things matter and your decisions certainly play an important role in how your life pans out, it only takes one minute in the wilderness or one circumstance that doesn’t go your way to see the toxicity of this illusion. And, if we don’t confront the shadows of this false narrative then we will continue to find ourselves defeated and frustrated when things don’t go our way.

I work for a Christian charity and every week we have a staff meeting which includes prayer, worship, and a brief message meant to encourage and equip us for the week ahead. This week, our speaker asked a very powerful question that has been lingering in my thoughts.

What is it that has your attention?

In the last three weeks I moved overseas, started a new job, and began apartment hunting. In all the busyness, I found my attention pulled in a million directions, and I squeezed God into whatever tiny margin of my life I had left. I’ve been so busy with this new beginning, I’ve barely had time to acknowledge the one who orchestrated it all.

And, as the window to find a new apartment gets smaller as we approach the end of our sublet, I find myself frantically looking for a new flat and frustrated by the process as it sucks up all of my time. I’m continually distracted by all the things that need to happen for me to feel settled that I haven’t actually praised the one who does the settling.

I pray, “God, you have the right place for us and I trust you,” but then I don’t really seem to believe those prayers as I find myself sleepless at night worrying, anxiously hopping from viewing to viewing, and getting agitated when the outcome doesn’t go my way.

If I’m really honest, I’m trying to do it all on my own. I’ve given God small bits of prayer, but not real partnership in it all. No wonder I haven’t experienced much peace! My eyes have not been fixed on Jesus. My attention has not been on the one who always makes a way.

Instead I so easily fall back into the world’s pattern of thinking — if I do enough, I will succeed. If I view enough apartments, make enough phone calls, see enough places, construct the perfect offer, be the perfect tenant, then and only then will we find the right place. Because of my hard work and effort, the apartment will surface.

Yet, the reality is, I have no control over a landlord’s desires for a tenant, the time frame for availability, the bidding wars which are becoming more frequent, or the reality of the market in the area we’re in. I can pitch Dan and I as the perfect tenants, but I have no control over who the landlord selects or which flats become available. Yet, I find myself striving and striving and striving, convincing myself that in my own self-sufficiency it will happen. And the reality? I’m no closer now than I was when we started. And, I’ve only been left frustrated by the process.

I haven’t really surrendered it all to God. I haven’t really believed that He would make a way regardless of the market, regardless of the landlords, regardless of the process. It seems when push comes to shove, I’m not entirely convinced that He will provide a home for us without my endless worrying and doing.

So, here I am again, learning a lesson that I’ve learned a hundred times. I have to remember who God is and what He can do.

Okay, so if we don’t have total control and God does, what does He invite us into concerning our circumstances?

God invites us to co-labor with Him and not go at it alone.

He invites us to relinquish control and remember who He is.

He invites us to pray honestly and ask for the deep desires of our heart.

He invites us to surrender and to let go of the striving and worry.

He invites us into His peace in the process.

What He is really inviting us into is a deep level of trust in Him — in His promises, in His word, in the reality that He is who He says He is.

It is an invitation to fix our eyes on Him, even when (especially when) things don’t seem to be falling into place as we hoped. You see, the best thing we can do in our walk with God is surrender the things that we want to hold on the tightest to. It’s challenging. And, it’s tempting to fall back into patterns of efficiency and endless doing. Believe me, giving up control has been the hardest lesson in my faith journey, and one I seem to be continuing to learn.

But, when I reach the end of my rope, which I always do, I’m reminded again and again who is actually in control. I’m reminded again who provides my every need, who shows up for me, who my good Father is.

He is the Creator of the universe.

He knit me together in my mother’s womb.

He is my provider.

He has good plans for me.

And, most importantly, He deeply loves me.

This is the God I trust, and His track record is perfect.

I have to let go of control and trust Him. I have to believe that God is who He says He is. And, when I get my act together and surrender again the things I’m holding too tight to, His peace washes over me. It never fails.

And the result builds my faith and changes my heart in ways I could never do in my own strength. When I muster up the courage to let go — when I submit my circumstances, my broken heart, my dreams deferred, whatever it is that I face — when I loosen my grip and leave it at the cross, and choose to really trust Him, I find His hope and peace is actually endless. And the faith He gives me is larger than life.

He will always get me through any circumstance I face.

And, I still have work to do. I still have decisions to make and actions to take. I still have to actually apartment hunt — I have to co-labor with Him — but partnering with Him coats the process in peace. I spend more time in prayer and less striving. I spend more time fixing my eyes on Him and less time on worrying about the outcome. And, my faith grows in the process.

Because here is the truth — He always shows up for His children. He is faithful.

So, what can help you let go and trust God with the things you long to hold tightest to?

Prayer and exhortation.

Prayer is the only way to navigate letting go and trusting God. If we only pray and rely on God for the superficial things then we’re not really relying on Him at all, are we? We have to pray big.

Whenever I’m waiting on something big from God, I turn to Scripture and find a Bible verse to pray through about my circumstance. When it comes to searching for a permanent home in London for Dan and I, there is a scripture I cling to which has been such an encouragement for me.

“My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.”1

I have to cling to God’s word and believe in the truth within its pages. This verse was shared at a women’s breakfast I attended in London last year. The second I heard it, I felt a deep stirring in my heart. At the time, I was in the middle of my sojourner year of hopping from temporary place to temporary place, and I deeply desired to plant roots and live in a permanent spot in London. I knew this was what I had to pray through for my future home.

As I began the apartment search this time around, I had completely forgotten about this verse until recently. Now I am turning it into a prayer that I pray every morning. Because God’s word is life and it breathes hope into my heart. And, His word is truth. God has a home for us — a place of rest where we will experience His glory and His peace.

Prayer is everything.

Prayer is our connection to the Father. It is our means of communication with Him. It is our hope. It is our heart.

In prayer, we cling to the promises in the Bible and the truth of who God is. We have to turn His word into prayers. We have to be honest with God about our feelings and frustrations, our hopes and our desires. We have to pray.

We also need to remember, and the best way to remember is through exhortation.

The Greek word for exhortation is parakaleó. And this is an interesting word really — pará means “from close-beside” and kaléō means “to call”. 2 So, it actually means to make a call that is close and personal. It’s intimate. It’s a reminder in close proximity. To exhort also means to encourage — to come alongside closely.

As I’ve felt discouraged in our apartment search, I have had so many conversations with friends who have reminded me who God is and what He’s already done in my life.

Recently I got off the phone with a friend who reminded me of a prophetic prayer she had prayed over me months ago — a prayer that God had a home for us in London. She called on me to remember what God has already done — how perfect His timing has actually been, how powerfully He moved in my life in the past, and in this London move.

I wanted to rush my visa process, but God did so much work in the waiting. In the end, I ended up finding the perfect job which only became available in God’s timing. I received my visa and job offer within the same hour on the same day. His timing is perfect.

When we were back and forth between the UK and the US this past year, unsure of when we would finally be able to settle, God orchestrated so much for us behind the scenes. When we booked our flights to London in April 2023, we had no idea where we’d stay, and then our friends just so happen to be away on holiday for two weeks when we arrived and opened their home to us. We then got a sublet for the exact 6 month time frame we needed, in the exact area we wanted to be in, while Dan worked in the UK for the summer.

When we came back to the U.S. in September, we stayed with my parents and friends, and experienced so much joy and grace. When we found out that Dan had to make more money in the UK before the end of the year for my visa, he not only got a job which provided the exact amount of income required, but we found a sublet for the random three month window of time we needed, to the date.

Everything fell into place.

Through my conversations with friends who spent their time encouraging me and reminding me of God’s goodness, I was able to remember how much He has done already. Their exhortation helped me remember what I know is true. I needed to be reminded. I needed to be encouraged.

God is good and He loves me. He knows my needs. He knows my heart. He has proven it to me throughout my entire life. I just have to remember, and exhortation helps me fix my eyes back on Him.

I’ve been working my way through Jackie Hill Perry’s Upon Waking devotional book, and it is so beautiful. Today’s devotional was all about exhortation — okay, God, I get it! — and I want to share a passage which has deeply resonated with me.

“Without exhortation, we are prone to let the different discomforts in our body, mind, and environment influence our faith, but when exhortation is present within the mouth of a friend, the body of a sermon, or the bridge of a worship song, our hearts are reminded that God is faithful. And we are so easily discouraged that we need to be encouraged, by the truth, every single day. What would happen if you experienced exhortation in the valley and on the mountaintop? On Sunday morning and Tuesday afternoon? You’d remember His past deeds done on your behalf. And you’d have the courage to trust that God can and will always make a way out of no way.”3

I have to cling to His promises, pray through His word, and believe in His trustworthiness. Yes, I still have to look for an apartment and set up viewings, but I can do it from a place of rest and deep trust.

I can trust in God that He will provide a place for us and His timing is perfect. I can ask Him for faith to move through this difficulty with ease. I can pray, “Help me in my unbelief”, again and again on the days when I feel weak. I can turn up the worship music in my lounge and sing out the lyrics until they move from my head into my heart. I can turn to my friends for words of encouragement and prayer.

No matter what circumstance you are facing, large or small, invite God into the process. Don’t carry the weight of it. Lay it down at the foot of the cross. Look back at all God has done in your life and be encouraged. He will come through for you. He will love you through the process and pour out His peace in your time of waiting.

Today I pray alongside you, “God of the universe, thank you that you are in the midst of my circumstance. I don’t know the outcome yet or your timing, but I know I can trust you. Help me in my unbelief. Give me the courage to let go of the things I want to hold tightest to. Thank you Father that you always hear me.”

The Poetry Nook

I wrote the following poem during one of the many times I had to relearn the lesson of letting go — and letting God be God. It reminds me time and time again that my life is in His hands.

Let Go

As you wonder through the trees,

your grip on the bark seems tighter lately,

as if I did not have a plan for you.

Oh, my darling girl,

you are safe — your future is secure.

But, you will not become who you were created to be

by holding onto the things of this world.

You have to learn to let go.

You have to learn to trust me.

There’s a Book on That

Today’s book rec is a devotional book called Upon Waking by Jackie Hill Perry. This is a beautiful book and I’ve found it to be so encouraging. Lately, I’ve been beginning my mornings with prayer and reading this devotional and it’s been a truly peaceful way to begin my day. Each devotional begins with scripture followed by a short but powerfully reflection, and I’ve often found myself encouraged to dive more deeply in prayer after reading.

As always, here is a taster…

“Life with a trancsendent God isn’t always going to make sense, and if that is the case, questions will be commonplace. When our aversion to prayerful curiosity has lifted, I often wonder if we will discover what we’ve withheld from God. And by what, I mean our very self. Avoiding curiosity can be a luxury in some sense. To ask anything at all, you have to acknowledge your intellectual limitations. But not only that: to ask anything at all, you have to sit inside whatever tension your body, life, and mind have brought about. Uncovering what hurts, hurts. Thinking about whatever is unclear is frustrating. If you decide not to ask God any questions regarding these things, you can go on with your life, maintain your sense of control and manufactured peace. But to do that is to deny yourself the oportunity of giving God your whole self.”4

Podcast Episode

Leadership Special Jamie Phear: ‘Changing Direction in your Leadership’

Recently I was invited to speak on Premier Christianity’s The Profile podcast. In this episode, I talk about tuning into God’s voice for calling, the reality of the wilderness, and the importance of retreats. If you haven’t already, please give it a listen!

Just in case you missed these recent posts:

Living a Transformed Life: The direct result of apprenticing under Jesus is the transformation of your mind and heart, but walking out your faith can be a complex experience. How can you stay aligned with God along the way?
Community: Whether you are sitting in a vibrant community or searching for one, this post is for you. Why do we need community? How can we build authentic community well by modeling after Jesus?
Small Beginnings: An ode to small beginnings. What does it look like to connect the dots with God when He invites you to begin something new? Why is prayer a vital part of this process?
The Art of Discernment: Unpacking the mystery of discernment -- what is discernment? Why is it an important gift on the journey of calling?

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A Pocket-Sized Desert with Jamie Phear

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