Living a Transformed Life

The direct result of apprenticing under Jesus is the transformation of your mind and heart, but walking out your faith can be a complex experience. How can you stay aligned with God along the way?

May 30, 2024

a blue and white photo of a swirl in the sky — Photo by USGS on Unsplash

Hey friends!

I usually begin by talking about the weather. I’m not sure why as it often feels trivial, but for some reason it helps me ease into our topics. This past week the weather in London couldn’t quite decide what it wanted to be — one moment it was sunny and warm and the next a cool wind would whip through carrying buckets of rain. Then, it would be sunny again. Then, rain again. Cool and warm. Cool and warm.

To be honest, I’ve been feeling a bit like the weather. My transition back to London has been much more difficult than I expected, and I’m still navigating what it looks like to walk out this new beginning. Yet, one thing has been crystal clear — although change is exciting, it is also really hard.

This week’s post is a vulnerable one for me. And, if I’m being honest, I’ve gone back and forth several times as to whether to share it because there is part of me that doesn’t want to share as openly. But, I promised transparency and I also promised to share the reality of what it looks like to follow Jesus, so here we go.

This week, I want to talk with you about change. The transformation that happens as a result of apprenticing under Jesus is beautiful and complex. Much of the time, it is the most empowering and joyful thing you’ll ever experience, but sometimes, God will stretch you and challenge you in ways that are incredibly hard. In the process, you will begin to see just how narrow the path really is. I hope that by sharing parts of my own journey here, you may begin to reflect on yours and ask God where you need Him to fill in the gaps.

So, let’s dig in together…

First, an inside look into part of my own testimony to show what actually happens when you let God in.

In 2018, I stepped into a church building willingly for the first time in over a decade. I had always believed God existed, but wasn’t sure whether it actually mattered that He did. I had no idea what God would want to do with my life. I had no relationship with Jesus, nor did I really think I wanted one.

If I am being honest, I was convinced the whole faith thing was a scam really — some way to get people to follow a bunch of rules which would take away their freedom and suck the fun out of life. I was completely oblivious to the reality of how much better my life would be with God in it. The only real reason I stepped into church on that Sunday was because I was feeling grateful, and I suppose, a bit curious.

It might be helpful to rewind a bit for context.

Although I had grown up in a Christian home, I walked away from my faith around fourteen and really never intended to look back. I was determined to live life my own way and follow the world’s idea of personal fulfillment. Yet, over time, the ways of the world continued to fail me. I searched for meaning in my life and often came up empty. I turned to drinking and drugs to bring excitement and fresh perspective and those nights would be fun in the moment, but often end with shattered mornings and regret. By my mid-twenties, I found myself in a cycle that was slowly draining the life out of me.

The first time I heard God’s voice, I was in a rough place internally. On paper, my life was amazing. I was living in London and enrolled in a great grad school program; I had a handsome British boyfriend; I had an amazing group of friends; I was bartending in some really cool bars; I had an exciting social life, and I was traveling through Europe whenever I wanted. To an outsider, my life was fun and exciting.

And yet, internally I was a wreck.

I struggled to love myself pretty much daily.

I had really high highs, but very low lows.

I was experiencing panic attacks regularly.

I had no idea who I was or what I was called to do.

I felt completely lost most of the time and often found myself walking through life like a shell, wondering if this was it — if this was all there was or ever would be.

I pretended I was fine for as long as I could until I couldn’t anymore.

In desperation one afternoon, I called out to God while on a run in Wimbledon Park. I didn’t expect Him to answer, but He did. In a single moment, I encountered His love, His hope, and a vision for my future. I had no frame of understanding for what I was experiencing – though now I know it was the Holy Spirit. And, I wasn’t ready to go to church yet or invite Jesus into my life, but it was a signpost moment. I knew God was real. And, I believed there was some small chance He may actually care what I did with my life.

Four years later, I was living back in NJ at my parent’s place. My then British boyfriend had recently become my husband and we were trying to decide where to move to. I was still pretty far away from God, but I had been experimenting privately with prayer. Dan always dreamt of living in California – I wasn’t totally convinced – but in order to test the waters, I asked God to reveal whether we were meant to go.

I set some pretty high standards for God to confirm it. I prayed and asked for a job offer, an apartment, and a smooth transition – all of which I was told were nearly impossible to arrange before moving by those who had done the move before. A cross country move was anything but easy – jobs were hard to come by if you didn’t already live locally, California was expensive and you’ll need more than one job, apartment hunting was a nightmare and insanely competitve, and moving your belongings and car was a huge hassle – we were told all the familiar stories.

I figured if God was real, which I believed He was, and if He wanted us to move to California then He had to answer these extravagant prayers, otherwise it just couldn’t happen. In all honesty, I was pretty skeptical and fairly confident we would just end up somewhere else in the continental U.S. later that year.

Yet, within a few months of those prayers, I was offered not one job, but two, which collectively paid more than I’d ever earned before. While visiting for a weekend in search of apartments, we secured a sublet through our Airbnb host who just so happened to have a friend who was renting out a room for the exact time frame I needed to sublet in. Then, within the timeframe of our sublet, we found and signed a lease for an amazing apartment in the exact area we wanted to live in. My car and our belongings shipped across the country easily and smoothly, arriving on time and without incident.

Our move was not only successful but extraordinarily easy. Within a month of arriving, I was sitting in circumstances that looked less and less like coincidence and more and more like God’s hand. So, I thought I would say thank you and attend a church service.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into that Sunday, but God would stir something in my heart which would change the whole trajectory of my life. As I sat tucked away on the balcony, hidden from the Sunday crowd, I heard God’s voice whisper in my ear. I recognized it as the same voice I heard in the park all those years ago.

He asked me to build my life on His foundation of love. He asked me to give Him a chance to change my heart. He was knocking at the door of my life and inviting me to open it. He told me He loved me — He always loved me and He would always love me.

Before I knew it, I was nodding my head yes without knowing what it would look like or how I would navigate it all. All I knew was that I wanted to experience more of God’s love. I agreed to let Jesus into my heart.

On that balcony, in that moment, tears welled up in my eyes, and my heart began to expand in ways I couldn’t quite explain. I received a new identity in Jesus in that moment and it was the beginning of transformation.

Shortly after, I signed up for an Alpha course. I learned about Christianity in more detail — a religion I had grown up with but which felt completely foreign to me in adulthood. I learned about God’s love in ways I had never known. I learned about Jesus and his ministry. I sat in an Alpha group and shared my experiences with the church, my distrust of “Christians”, and asked all the questions I never thought I could ask.

Somehow, in that room and through those talks, I began to encounter the truth of who God really was. He was nothing like I envisioned. He was more loving and forgiving and just and gracious and kind than I ever imagined Him to be. And Jesus, well, he wasn’t who I thought either.

Over time, the truth of the gospel began to live in my heart, and God’s love began to permeate every part of me. The more I surrendered my past pain to God, the more I encountered His grace.

Where I felt shame, God replaced it with His truth.

Where I felt inadequacy, God replaced it with His generosity.

Where I felt regret, God replaced it with His forgiveness.

Where I felt guilt, God replaced it with His love.

Where I felt lost, God replaced it with identity.

Slowly, through personal prayer time with God and fellowship in a Christian community, I began to see myself more clearly. The weights I carried began to fall like shackles to the ground. The pain from my past began to heal. The hopelessness I once felt was replaced with an unyielding joy. Suddenly, I had direction in my calling and I was learning so much about myself in the process.

It seemed the more time I spent with God, the more I knew myself.

Before long, I began to think differently. The way I engaged with people around me changed. The way I loved my husband changed. My entire interior life shifted and I was full of gratitude for my decision to let God in. I still wasn’t quite sure what it looked like to walk the walk, but the internal and emotional transformation I was experiencing was undeniable.

God was transforming me from the inside out.

Transformation through Jesus begins within as God changes your heart and slowly renews your mind, but eventually it floods into every aspect of your life.

When I finally said yes to Jesus, I didn’t expect the kind of freedom that came along with it. Internally, I was increasingly more capable of loving myself. My panic attacks disappeared almost entirely. I found a renewed sense of joy steadily pulsing through my interior life, regardless of my circumstance.

Externally, the changes also began to move outwardly. I found myself loving others more intentionally — loving my husband more fully. I was eager to understand how I could use my unique gifts in service to others. I was able to handle life’s challenges with an unyielding hope.

There was so much growth within me in such a short time — it was astounding. I never realized life could be so fulfilling. I never realized I could experience such profound love.

It was easy to talk the talk in Christian circles, but the more my life transformed inside of me, the more I wanted my external life to reflect those changes. Some of that happened naturally as a byproduct of God’s internal work, but I found myself eager to change patterns and behaviors which in the past had hindered me.

And, it was a bit of a culture shock at first.

If I’m honest, I struggled with reconciling this new me with the life I had previously lived. How could I continue to live my life with all of this change inside of me? I was the same me – actually I was more me than I ever had been before. But, out of this transformation came a desire to want to live differently. I struggled in letting go of past patterns and it took me time to build rhythms in my life that supported my flourishing.

When I said yes to Jesus, I was also two years into my marriage to Dan, who I loved deeply but who wasn’t a Christian. How would this decision to follow Jesus impact him? How would it impact our marriage?

I had also built a life for three decades full of rich friendships but none of them followed Jesus. Would my friends think I was crazy? Would my friendships withstand the changing landscape of my life?

I had so many questions and I had to bring them all before God. All I knew truly was that I couldn’t manage any of it on my own. I had to rely on God to fill in the gaps. I had to believe that as my life changed, He would pour his grace over my relationships and protect the ones that mattered most.

And, He did.

He still does.

But, the first few years of my faith journey were still some of the most difficult years of my life relationally. There was this massive chasm between the joy, love, and growth I experienced with God and in my church community and the realities of how to live that renewed self in the life I had created before becoming a Christian. I didn’t want to live a life divided, yet I couldn’t quite figure out how to bridge the gap.

It took me quite some time to realize I could never fill that chasm on my own — only God could.

The more I pursued God, the more identity He poured into me. And as a result, externally things slowly began to shift. The dividing wall began to crumble and God held me up in the transformation.

My lifestyle choices slowly began to change. I didn’t want to live in some of the ways I had in the past. Although I still loved to have a fancy cocktail with a friend or share a bottle of wine at dinner, the way I engaged with drinking changed significantly. I completely lost the desire to go out to get drunk on the weekends. Instead, I actually began to understand and appreciate moderation. I slowly began to learn the limits I felt comfortable with and then simultaneously learned how to stick to them. And, I loved the results. I still had plenty of fun times with friends and family, but no hangovers. I could still have loads of laughter and good times without the headache and fogginess the next day. It took time and it was a big change for me, but one that I eventually embraced.

And the reality is, along the way, not everyone has been as supportive as I hoped but many have. I still often get an eye roll when I say, “You know I’m good actually, I don’t need another drink.” Or, I get an odd comment here and there about not being as fun anymore. It took me a long time to learn how to be unoffendable in those moments — in fact, I’m still working on it.

Sometimes it’s the people closest to you that are the most resistant to change.

I’ve had to ask God time and time again to get me through moments of rejection – to fill in the gaps, to protect my relationships, and to show me how to live transformed in the world.

And, He always does.

When you need more of God, there is always more of Him available.

He is the author of transformation.

I have to remind myself that it is a lifelong journey I’m on – I have to remind myself daily who I am and who God is.

Transformation will continue to take place over your entire faith journey and you will only come into true fulfillment of it on the other side of eternity.

Some days I walk in confidence in who God created me to be and I share openly and honestly about my faith without trepedation. I step boldly into the transformational power of Jesus in my life. I practice the way of Jesus in my day-to-day well. I stay aligned with God’s will for my life. I am obedient in the big things and the little things. I walk powerfully in my calling.

Other days, I am less brave.

I find myself worrying what others will think. I fall back into patterns of thought which resist the transformation God is doing. I fail at practicing the way of Jesus. I don’t do the thing I know I should do. I resist my calling.

And in those moments, I have to remind myself who I am.

I have to remind myself who God is.

I have to remind myself that it is a journey – a lifelong journey of becoming more like Jesus.

And, I won’t always get it right and that’s okay, but I have to continue to walk down the narrow path and pray for God’s will to be done in my life. I have to lay down my self-sufficiency and surrender my disordered desires. I have to live the life God calls me to live.

Because here is the truth…

God created me and called me for specific purposes on this earth that only I can fulfil

—just like you.

I am a child of God who is deeply loved

— just like you.

I am an image-bearer of the Creator of the Universe

— just like you.

And with that reality comes great responsibility — to live my life well, to stay aligned with God’s will, to be brave in my faith as often as I can, to continue to practice the way of Jesus even when I fail, and to love others around me like He does.

The decisions I make matter.

The choices I make to live my life a certain way matter.

The way I love and care for others matters.

There is a ripple effect.

I have to build my life around God and remind myself why. Because this is what it looks like to be on the journey of calling — to become the person God designed me to be before time began.

And, here’s the reality: I am far from perfect. I screw up all the time. I get things wrong. I lean back into false narratives. I miss opportunities for growth. I yell when I should be silent. I react out of my emotions more often than I’d like.

I get it wrong all the time.

But, I have to forgive easily and move forward with God daily. I have to choose to become the person in Christ that God has invited me to be. And that choice is the most important one I make every day.

I have to remind myself who I am.

I have to believe that God is doing a deep work within me and that transformation creates a ripple effect in the lives of people around me – allowing them to experience God’s love through my life.

Change is hard because it relies on believing the truth when the world continually bombards us with lies. And yet, God is with us. He calls to us through the messiness of the world, and invites us into His kingdom living in the present.

And the result?

The most beautiful, enriching, and life changing journey you will ever embark on.

It is a journey back to the Creator.

It is a journey of calling.

It is a journey back to you – the you that was called before you were born, the you that God dreamt up, the you that is a unique image-bearer of the Creator.

Yes, the road is narrow and not easy, but the result is a fullness you could only dream of.

Invite God in.

He longs for you to open the door.

Allow Him to change you from the inside out so you can experience the fullness of His love.

He will never force His way into your life. It has always been your choice.

Poetry Nook

The following poem was inspired by a walk through the woods on an autumn day. I was living in the middle of some pretty significant transitions in my life, navigating a wilderness season, and struggling to find hope as I wrestled with some unanswered prayer. Nature always seems to remind me of the truths I so often forget.

Do They Know?

Sometimes I wonder if the trees can feel their leaves changing color.

Do they feel the change before it comes?

Do they know it’s almost time to let go?

—to be barren for a season.

—to no longer feel the familiar rustling.

—to live through another winter.

Maybe it is the hope of another season that helps them let go.

Maybe it is a deep knowing that change is needed.

That it’s time.

Or, maybe they resist it just like we do until they finally loosen their grip.

Maybe God has to hold them up too.

There’s a Book on That

This week you are getting four books in one! The Good and Beautiful Series by James Bryan Smith is an incredible series on the transformational journey of faith. James Bryan Smith mentored under Dallas Willard, and his writing is profoundly insightful and theologically sound. This series is all about how the gospel impacts our lives in the present.

Smith writes, “Remember the wisdom of Dallas Willard: ‘The true social activist is the person who lives as an apprentice of Jesus in his or her ordinary relationships.’ It means living with a kingdom mind and heart in our marriages, with our parents and our children, with our coworkers, our neighbors and the guy at the hardware store who is blocking the aisle. The new life lives in new ways, and this is seen— and smelled—by those around us. Paul said to the Corinthians, ‘We are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing’ (2 Corinthians 2:15)… when we tell the truth when it is hard, when we sit in the waiting room with a hurting and scared friend when we have pressing things to do, when we strive to stay in harmony with people who disagree with us, when we find a way to spend less so we can give more, when we offer a blessing to someone who curses us, the essence of Jesus, who lives in and through us, is emerging.”2

James Bryan Smith takes readers on a journey to help them understand who God is through the lens of Jesus and Scripture, while unveiling what it actually means to be a Christian and live in community well. I studied this book series with a group of friends early on in my faith journey and it changed my whole understanding God, spiritual formation, and discipleship.

Just in case you missed these recent posts:

Community: Whether you are sitting in a vibrant community or searching for one, this post is for you. Why do we need community? How can we build authentic community well by modeling after Jesus?
Small Beginnings: An ode to small beginnings. What does it look like to connect the dots with God when He invites you to begin something new? Why is prayer a vital part of this process?
The Art of Discernment: Unpacking the mystery of discernment -- what is discernment? Why is it an important gift on the journey of calling?
The Interim: The journey of calling will always include periods of transition and sometimes those transitions bring along a wilderness. How can we learn to lean into God during the in between?

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A Pocket-Sized Desert with Jamie Phear

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