Identity: Excavating Lies to Make Space for the Truth

Are there any lies that you've believed about yourself that don't align with what God says about you? What can we do with pain from the past?

Hey friends,

I’m a day late today, but for good reason! Yesterday I left London to come back to the states to FINALLY apply for my spouse visa. YES! You heard that right. For those who know me well, you know it has been a stressful year, but it seems we are finally coming out of this holding pattern.

As I was thinking about what to share with you today, I figured I would go the vulnerable route because why not? That’s what we’re here for!

There is so much that shapes us over the course of our lives — good and bad. We are born into this world with identity, intention, and purpose that is unique to us, yet somehow throughout our experiences we can lose this birthright identity. Over time, we can end up taking on false narratives, lies, or names that aren’t true to who we are.

Today I want to share with you one lie that I had to excavate with God. A lie that was deeply rooted and painful, significantly impacting my identity, and definitely holding me back from fullness. This will be a vulnerable post for me, but my hope is that by sharing openly and honestly with you, it will encourage you to think about if there is anything you’ve believed about yourself that isn’t true.

Do you ever struggle to see yourself the way God sees you?

I was recently going through some childhood keepsakes at my parents home in NJ. After years of hard work and good stewardship, my parents were finally moving to the beach — a dream my mom had held forever. Earlier that year, they began building their retirement home in the Outer Banks and I was elated to see this long awaited dream so close to fulfillment.

As the moving date approached, it became time for my siblings and I to go through all of our stored belongings and keepsakes. We spent an entire afternoon sifting through thousands of things my parents had stored away for us—childhood crafts kept in dusty crevices of our rooms for decades, things we tucked away and treasured packed neatly in boxes, and even items we had no idea still existed somehow surfaced — all the many keepsakes that marked the various seasons of our lives.

My parents saved a lot of my writing and projects from when I was young, and they had this huge plastic bin for me to go through. I found myself drawn into all the little scribbles and poems from my childhood. I stumbled upon a poem I wrote when I was maybe nine or so. It was an “I am” poem. If you went through the American education system, you most likely remember writing one of these. They were hugely popular in elementary school and the task was to construct a poem out of traits and characteristics that make you you.

The poem itself was very cute and it began beaming with confidence and joy, until I reached one line which hit me like a lightning bolt.

“I am not very pretty.”

As I read it aloud, I felt a familiar pain well up inside me. I wanted to say, why on earth would I write that? I wanted to deeply deny ever believing such a thing! But as I thought about it, I could feel a similar feeling bubble to the surface. Even at 36 years old, I still struggled to see myself as beautiful.

It was the first time in adulthood where I became aware of a deeply rooted lie from childhood which had actually shaped me throughout my life. At nine years old, this lie felt like such an important part of my identity that I included it in my “I am” poem.

You see, growing up, I was called many things. The athlete, sure. The funny one, definitely. The life of the party, certainly. The leader, yes. But, I never believed I was the pretty one. I never really felt beautiful. And this lie carried along in the deeper spaces of my being, forming me and shaping me throughout my life in ways that seemed invisible. Yet, as I recalled bits of brokenness and pain in my past, I began to see how many of those experiences were actually rooted in this lie.

I knew finding the poem was an invitation for healing — an opportunity to bring this lie to the one who created me and ask him for the truth.

Because here is the deal… You cannot move forward in your true identity while still believing lies about yourself.

Healing is an essential step. You cannot step toward healing without actually unearthing the lie, and you cannot destroy the lie without hearing the truth.

I had clearly unearthed a lie that had pervaded my sense of self since childhood. But, how could I find the truth?

Well, the truth can only come from the one who made you, the one who calls you fearfully and wonderfully made¹, the one who loves you to a depth you can only imagine on this side of eternity.

I had been working my way through an inner healing book at the time called A Guide for Listening and Inner-Healing Prayer: Meeting God in the Broken Places by Rusty Rustenbach. There are lots of different components of this book, but the simple inner healing prayer exercise is an excellent best place to start.

This beautiful prayer practice asks you to think about the roots of the lie, what it made you believe about yourself, and then it ends with asking God what he says about you. I spent hours working my way through the exercise and God highlighted some points of my past where this lie began to take root. I sat in the moments of painful memory with God. I felt all of the emotions attached to them. I repented for believing the lie and allowing it to take root and then I asked God to tell me the truth.

And here is the best part… When you hear what God — the Creator of the cosmos, the universe, all living and breathing things, the one who dreamt you up and designed you — when you hear what He says about you, it changes everything.

For the sake of openness, I’m going to share the last component of my prayer exercise. As I approached the last step of the process, I asked God to tell me the truth — what do you say about me?

I sat in silence before my Creator, waiting to hear his words of truth spoken over my life. I wrote out whatever came into my mind as I focused my attention on him and his love. And even now, as I type the words that surfaced, I am overcome with the goodness of God.

Here is what I heard in a still, gentle voice, soft enough as my breath but powerful enough to shake the foundations of my world.

You are beautiful my darling girl. When I created you, Jamie, I stood back for some time just looking at you, taking you in. I spent so long on your hazel eyes to get them just right so that when the sun catches them, they sparkle with the deep green of the forest. Your body is also beautiful. Look at all you can do with it — run races, swim in the sea, dance. Your mind is beautiful as well. I can listen to you talk for an eternity. You aren’t just adequate. You are perfect and enough just as you are. So beautiful. You have never been an object to be had — you are a Queen in Heavenly places.

As I read the words in my notebook, I felt something stir deep within me. When I read them aloud, I felt the words move from my head into my heart. Slowly, I felt God’s whisper of wholeness chip away at the lie, slowly his words began to dig in the dirt and plant new roots, slowly his words became a tool for healing.

What does it mean to invite God in to address lies about your identity?

It means opening the door to Him and saying, please come into this dark room. I want you to see the whole house, not just the rooms that are tidy and clean. It means processing the pain with him and asking him to release you from its grip and speak truth over you.

What does it look like when you ask God to heal you? It looks like love. The deepest and purest love you could ever imagine. A love you are incapable of creating or crafting on your own. A love that reaches out from the beginning of time and stretches out into eternity. God’s truth is always full of love.

And the reality is, God will always speak the truth. He will always tell you who you are. Whenever you need more of him, there is always more available. And, truly, when you seek him, he is closer than your very breath.

Remember, discovering your identity is a journey.

The beginning of that journey is excavating lies that you’ve believed along the way. Everyone has them. No one is the exception. Part of the process of hearing God’s voice in identity and calling is unearthing some of the false narratives we’ve attached to, and in the process, you create space for God to speak his truth in love.

Since this moment of healing, there have been plenty of times where I have had to return to this truth he spoke over me. There have been times where I’ve been tempted to fall back into old patterns of thought, but in those moments, I read over his truth. Again and again. I let it continue to soak into my being. I wait for it to move from my head into my heart. And, I thank God that he will never stop speaking truth over me.

I want to encourage you to think about if there are any lies you’ve believed about yourself, or any false narratives or selves you’d taken on. Take a moment to answer the following questions to help uncover any lies…

• What have others named me or told me about myself that don’t feel in alignment with who God says I am? (family, friends, partners, colleagues, etc.)

• What has culture named me? Are there names, attritbutes, identites, or traits I’ve felt pressured to take on?

• What have I named myself? Is there any negative self talk that I say often about myself?

If anything comes up for you that is particularly painful, I want to encouage you to bring it before God and work through the inner healing process. Let him tell you who you are and how much he loves you.

Remember, the journey of healing is not linear. Be patient and kind to yourself along the way. Join up with a healthy community who can support you as you journey toward true identity and calling. And, most importantly, always hold onto what God says about you.

Poetry Nook:

The following poem is one that I wrote while working through some inner healing — what I shared above is just one piece of a season of deep healing I went through. It was a painful and hard season! But, it was also really beautiful and drenched in grace.

As I entered the shadowy spaces within and uncovered parts of myself I would have rather kept hidden, I began to get the courage to face the darkness. What I realized was, God wasn’t afraid of those parts of me. He was eager for me to bring them before him, so he could shine his light and fill me with his love.

This is true for you too. If there are parts of you that you’ve struggled to face or parts of the past which continue to leak into the present, please know that God wants to face them with you. He will never force you to, but he will always invite you in. And, his promise is that when you bring the pain before him, he will meet you there and his love will heal you. He will bring the light.

Down & In

The only real journey worth taking is down and in.
Down into the shadowy spaces, 
down into the depths of past pain and present paralysis. 
Into the inner places, 
into the spaces where longings hide and dreams reside -
into the heart of it all

Because it is the downward, inward journey
that brings your feet to level ground.
And there, 
waiting all along, 
is not really darkness at all. 
It is more like Love. 

There, mind moves into heart. 
There, Love begins to regenerate, restore, and repair. 
There, Love begins to heal. 
And suddenly, all all those broken bits are not longer broken at all, 
but fit together. 
And the final product is not really dark at all, but light catching--image bearing. 

And before I know, 
the world that was once dark and frightening-- 
shattered really--
is illuminating too, 
through each of the cracks in the glass, 
more beautiful than it ever was before. 

There’s a Book on That

A Guide for Listening and Inner-Healing Prayer: Meeting God in the Broken Places by Rusty Rustenbach is an excellent book on inner healing. If you have trauma from your past, lies about your identity, or points of pain where you would like to meet God and begin the journey of healing, this book is a great guide.

Remember, the journey isn’t linear. God may heal you from something in a moment and then want to enter a deeper space of healing later on, so be open to continually bringing things before him as they come up for you. I encourage you to enter this space of healing with trusted friends or in community, so you have support alongside you in the healing process.

Just in case you missed these recent posts:

• Unearthing Calling: Exploring Identity: What is calling? What does it have to do with identity? Why does it matter?

• Welcome to A Pocket-Size Desert!: Poems, essays, and reflections on a journey of faith.

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Thanks again for reading this week’s newsletter. Cheers to diving into the deep together!

With love,

Jamie

1. Psalm 149:13